I'm No Beauty Queen, I'm Just Beautiful Me

Lord knows I've had body issues; even to this moment. Today I woke up, examined my body and said out loud, "I'm so fat." I have, on a daily basis, struggled with body image. I survived many years living with the disease of anorexia and bulimia. I battle everyday, mostly in my head, to not act out on my inclination to either starve myself or overeat. I read labels obsessively, count calories and go over and over in my head what I've eaten that day. It's exhausting. On top of that, I have to deal with mental illness and the icing on the cake, my disease of alcoholism.

I also battle with low self-esteem and low self-worth. I pick apart myself. I'm not pretty. I'm too goofy. I'm too awkward. I'm not sexy. I walk too hard. I'm clumsy. I'm missing a tooth! I'm too gross for words... And on and on... I've come to the conclusion that I think about myself way too much and I'm completely self-absorbed in a way that is entirely toxic and self defeating. I would never talk to a friend or loved one or a child or even an animal the way I talk to myself! I am my own worst critic and enemy.

But you'll be happy to know that I'm trying something new to change my thinking over time - hopefully... I look at a picture of myself when I was 7 and I try to say all the putdowns aforementioned and guess what, I can't. So I instead tell her, "I'm no beauty queen, I'm just beautiful me and so are you little Erika. I then go on to say all sorts of really sweet and kind things to that little girl and to myself in the mirror. "You have beautiful big eye's. Your lips are shaped like a heart. You have strong legs.   Your stomach is soft to the touch. You smile with your eye's. You draw glorious floorplans and sketch lovely portraits. -And that's just the outside stuff!- You're lit from the inside out. You have a genuine spirit. You have a kind heart. You treat the world with love and respect. You see the beauty and good in others. You're patient and tolerant. You care deeply and have a childlike soul.

This is the way I am growing in love with myself. This is the way I choose to talk to myself today. I am making a conscious change. And I'm not doing it to gain the love of someone else. I'm doing it simply because I'm meant to be cherished by myself because that's what God has always wanted for me. I am hopeful, I am determined, I am resolved - to love myself today.