Everything Old is New Again
Whenever I talk to my one of my oldest best friends, Charlene, I expect to be asked the dreaded question that always follows our hello's, which is, "Are you dating anyone?" I dread it because the answer is always "no" and I feel embarrassed about that because I've been saying it for so many years now. Sometimes the answer is, "I like someone but they're unavailable." In which case I am reminded by Charlene that since she's known me (we met when I was 18 and I am now 40) I have always fallen for unavailable women. My incredulity is astounding until I ponder it and realize she's right!
My sponsor told me recently that I've been celibate and single for the last 13 years because I've been making myself unavailable, consciously or unconsciously, by picking unavailable women. That it's not God's fault nor is it my fault for that matter, but that I have no one to blame but myself and that I didn't know any better. Truly I did not know what I was doing and certainly I was doing the best I knew how because how was I supposed to know she had a girlfriend when I asked her out or that I wasn't her cup of tea by no shape or form. How was I supposed to know?! My sponsor insists, I knew... Which in retrospect makes sense and doesn't make sense at the same time.
My past experiences with women have not been so ripe. For instance, I've never been in a monogamous relationship and I've only dated two women. I've always dated women who want to date other women, much to my chagrin. Of course when I met these women I didn't know that, but they were quick to set me straight and I then made the decision to stay. I'm no victim! One thing that is heartbreaking to me is the fact that I have never been someone's one and only. I've dated women that wanted to hide me; they didn't want anyone to know that they were dating me. It hurt my feelings but I didn't think I deserved any better because I always felt like I was damaged goods. When you're dating this incest survivor you have to contend with a few things. Honestly the reason I fall for unavailable women is because I'm afraid to be in a relationship. I'm safe falling for unavailable women; I don't have to worry about anything happening because nothing will ever come of it! I'm afraid of sex, sex hurts me physically, I have flashbacks and hyperventilate... I'm a mess. But it's been 13 years; maybe things would be different now. I'm honestly afraid to find out.
I find myself lately repeating old patterns or behaviors; everything old is new again. I promised myself that I wouldn't pursue another woman again because I keep pursuing unavailable women, setting myself up for bitter rejection. Oops I did it again! I recently told a very beautiful woman that I liked her and I haven't heard a peep back from her. I am completely mortified one more time at my behavior. I felt like I wanted to throw caution to the wind and go for it! What did I have to lose, right? What about my self respect... I'm trying not to feed myself negative affirmations (I believe that's an oxymoron) like I'm not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not normal enough; I'M NOT ENOUGH!!! But that's just not true! I AM ENOUGH!!! There is nothing wrong with me. God's in charge, not me - clearly! For sure, it's going to take a very special and extraordinary woman to be with me. More will be revealed...
My sponsor told me recently that I've been celibate and single for the last 13 years because I've been making myself unavailable, consciously or unconsciously, by picking unavailable women. That it's not God's fault nor is it my fault for that matter, but that I have no one to blame but myself and that I didn't know any better. Truly I did not know what I was doing and certainly I was doing the best I knew how because how was I supposed to know she had a girlfriend when I asked her out or that I wasn't her cup of tea by no shape or form. How was I supposed to know?! My sponsor insists, I knew... Which in retrospect makes sense and doesn't make sense at the same time.
My past experiences with women have not been so ripe. For instance, I've never been in a monogamous relationship and I've only dated two women. I've always dated women who want to date other women, much to my chagrin. Of course when I met these women I didn't know that, but they were quick to set me straight and I then made the decision to stay. I'm no victim! One thing that is heartbreaking to me is the fact that I have never been someone's one and only. I've dated women that wanted to hide me; they didn't want anyone to know that they were dating me. It hurt my feelings but I didn't think I deserved any better because I always felt like I was damaged goods. When you're dating this incest survivor you have to contend with a few things. Honestly the reason I fall for unavailable women is because I'm afraid to be in a relationship. I'm safe falling for unavailable women; I don't have to worry about anything happening because nothing will ever come of it! I'm afraid of sex, sex hurts me physically, I have flashbacks and hyperventilate... I'm a mess. But it's been 13 years; maybe things would be different now. I'm honestly afraid to find out.
I find myself lately repeating old patterns or behaviors; everything old is new again. I promised myself that I wouldn't pursue another woman again because I keep pursuing unavailable women, setting myself up for bitter rejection. Oops I did it again! I recently told a very beautiful woman that I liked her and I haven't heard a peep back from her. I am completely mortified one more time at my behavior. I felt like I wanted to throw caution to the wind and go for it! What did I have to lose, right? What about my self respect... I'm trying not to feed myself negative affirmations (I believe that's an oxymoron) like I'm not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not normal enough; I'M NOT ENOUGH!!! But that's just not true! I AM ENOUGH!!! There is nothing wrong with me. God's in charge, not me - clearly! For sure, it's going to take a very special and extraordinary woman to be with me. More will be revealed...
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