The Devil In Me
Why do we sometimes blame God whenever anything bad happens in our lives? I never thought I was one of those people or at least I didn't think I was in that mind set any longer. Because in the past, many years ago, I would curse God for allowing me to be raped at the hands of my fathers touch. And God loved me still. Recently I've gone to get tested for std's. I am free of and have tested negative to all. There is one, however, herpes, that I am still waiting on for the results. If I test positive, I will no longer be developing a relationship with the woman I am seeing. If I test negative, well then, everything is good. Yesterday it was, if I test positive, God is out to get me and if I test negative, God loves me. Why would God put someone as wonderful as she in my life and then take her away as fast as she came in?! Damn to all cold sores, far and wide! And, cold sores are herpes??!
I've not been with anyone for 13 years! Am I to go another 13 years alone?! Who would want me if I have herpes? Nobody would... I am heartbroken and I don't even have the result yet. I am even more heartbroken because if I have it, it most likely came from my own father. He haunts me. He is like the devil in me, still causing me harm. I am so angry. I don't think I've ever felt this angry. And I don't even have the results yet?!
Obviously this blog entry is about me venting more than anything. I'm aware of how my new friend feels and if I do test positive she will not be with me. And I'm in some fear about that. I like her a lot and I like having her in my life the way that she's in my life now. I've never met anyone like her before and the thought of not getting to know her even more or being close to her breaks my heart... So I prayed and meditated on it and came to this insight. God has a plan for me and her. God loves me and her. My Higher Power wants me to experience giving love and receiving it. I have the sneaky suspicion that God is up to something and did not put this Angel in my life for naught. God is in charge and I need only to get out of the way.
If it's not God's will that we be together and continue this journey then I have to get into acceptance of that. My emotional reflex is telling me to walk away now so that I don't get hurt. But my heart is telling me to stay put. Either way is easier said than done. But I know that fear corrodes the soul and I have to remove myself from it. I am on a journey and a new chapter has just begun. God bless her and God bless me.
I've not been with anyone for 13 years! Am I to go another 13 years alone?! Who would want me if I have herpes? Nobody would... I am heartbroken and I don't even have the result yet. I am even more heartbroken because if I have it, it most likely came from my own father. He haunts me. He is like the devil in me, still causing me harm. I am so angry. I don't think I've ever felt this angry. And I don't even have the results yet?!
Obviously this blog entry is about me venting more than anything. I'm aware of how my new friend feels and if I do test positive she will not be with me. And I'm in some fear about that. I like her a lot and I like having her in my life the way that she's in my life now. I've never met anyone like her before and the thought of not getting to know her even more or being close to her breaks my heart... So I prayed and meditated on it and came to this insight. God has a plan for me and her. God loves me and her. My Higher Power wants me to experience giving love and receiving it. I have the sneaky suspicion that God is up to something and did not put this Angel in my life for naught. God is in charge and I need only to get out of the way.
If it's not God's will that we be together and continue this journey then I have to get into acceptance of that. My emotional reflex is telling me to walk away now so that I don't get hurt. But my heart is telling me to stay put. Either way is easier said than done. But I know that fear corrodes the soul and I have to remove myself from it. I am on a journey and a new chapter has just begun. God bless her and God bless me.
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