I Want More
Too many YouTube postings, too many references of "I'm seeing someone", too much of being available. Too much, too much, too much! I'm scared of being "too much" in someone's life and so I tend to pull away or give "Erika Breaks". I say I'm seeing someone but I don't feel secure in that. I know that she would see it more as we're just hanging out. I think we both agree in that we are getting to know each other and staying in the moment and seeing what happens. I'm realizing that I've never been a secure person when it comes to getting to know someone; not secure in myself and not secure in the relationship for lack of a better word. I'm so used to being hidden or being with someone that doesn't completely want to be with me. So I become afraid to express myself.
That's happening again. I'm reading into her silences, her sighs and groans, her sarcasm. I'm becoming insecure but trying to hide it and not make a big deal out of it in my head. I'm using restraint of pen and tongue. I'm naturally a very independent person. I'm not needy. But inwardly, to be honest, I sometimes feel needy. I want more, more, more! I don't know if I'm inwardly that way because I've been alone for so long or if it's my alcoholism. Alcoholics, for the most part, always want more of everything. It feels good so I want more. It felt safe so I want more. It felt safe there for awhile but it doesn't feel safe anymore...
If you don't love yourself, you can't expect to be in a loving relationship. I've written in past blogs how I'm on a journey toward self love. Well I'm still on that journey and having someone special in my life that I'm "hanging out" with has caused me to up my game. It's making me look at myself more honestly. It's forcing me to cherish and love myself. I've always known that no one can complete you. You are already complete within yourself, surrounded by God's grace and love. I enjoy my company so I've always done things by myself; even when I was a child. I was a loner. But I want to find a balance. I want to learn to let go of my fears of giving myself or sharing myself with another person and at the same time still revel in my alone time.
I recently told my new friend that I don't see how couples live together. Won't they get sick of each other? Of hearing each others voices? Of seeing each others faces everyday? I've never lived with anyone I've been with before so I don't understand it. I can't comprehend it. I hate to admit it but my self esteem can't possibly be as healthy as it should be because if I lived with someone I would have those questions as it pertains to me. The opportunity to live with a woman has never presented itself. No woman has ever wanted me as her girlfriend, so I don't know what that's about either. I have no idea what I'm doing here! I'm lost. And as I trying to find my way, I fear that I will make mistakes.
So what do I do? How do I "hang out" with someone correctly? Well, I guess I trust God and clean house. Do lots of fear inventory's. Talk to my sponsor and pray, pray and pray some more! And allow myself to just be damnit. Just be myself and trust that God is large and in charge. Try to learn from my mistakes and move on. Enjoy the moments because tomorrow is not promised. I don't want to be one of those girls who is waiting by the phone. I simply want to be one of those girls that is honest, loyal, kind and sweet. Throw in some "she's complicated" and you've got me! I'm a complicated lovebug who is living life to the fullest and on the journey of a lifetime. More will be revealed...
That's happening again. I'm reading into her silences, her sighs and groans, her sarcasm. I'm becoming insecure but trying to hide it and not make a big deal out of it in my head. I'm using restraint of pen and tongue. I'm naturally a very independent person. I'm not needy. But inwardly, to be honest, I sometimes feel needy. I want more, more, more! I don't know if I'm inwardly that way because I've been alone for so long or if it's my alcoholism. Alcoholics, for the most part, always want more of everything. It feels good so I want more. It felt safe so I want more. It felt safe there for awhile but it doesn't feel safe anymore...
If you don't love yourself, you can't expect to be in a loving relationship. I've written in past blogs how I'm on a journey toward self love. Well I'm still on that journey and having someone special in my life that I'm "hanging out" with has caused me to up my game. It's making me look at myself more honestly. It's forcing me to cherish and love myself. I've always known that no one can complete you. You are already complete within yourself, surrounded by God's grace and love. I enjoy my company so I've always done things by myself; even when I was a child. I was a loner. But I want to find a balance. I want to learn to let go of my fears of giving myself or sharing myself with another person and at the same time still revel in my alone time.
I recently told my new friend that I don't see how couples live together. Won't they get sick of each other? Of hearing each others voices? Of seeing each others faces everyday? I've never lived with anyone I've been with before so I don't understand it. I can't comprehend it. I hate to admit it but my self esteem can't possibly be as healthy as it should be because if I lived with someone I would have those questions as it pertains to me. The opportunity to live with a woman has never presented itself. No woman has ever wanted me as her girlfriend, so I don't know what that's about either. I have no idea what I'm doing here! I'm lost. And as I trying to find my way, I fear that I will make mistakes.
So what do I do? How do I "hang out" with someone correctly? Well, I guess I trust God and clean house. Do lots of fear inventory's. Talk to my sponsor and pray, pray and pray some more! And allow myself to just be damnit. Just be myself and trust that God is large and in charge. Try to learn from my mistakes and move on. Enjoy the moments because tomorrow is not promised. I don't want to be one of those girls who is waiting by the phone. I simply want to be one of those girls that is honest, loyal, kind and sweet. Throw in some "she's complicated" and you've got me! I'm a complicated lovebug who is living life to the fullest and on the journey of a lifetime. More will be revealed...
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