Twelve: Part Four

I had taken a stroll to the beach behind our house to watch the whales dive late that afternoon and I felt somewhat carefree. That feeling of abandon was entangled with feelings of hopelessness about my current situation. But I took that morsel of freedom even if it was for but a moment.

My mom had choir rehearsal that evening and was allowing me to stay home alone that night. My sister would be going with my mom to babysit and my dad was expected home very late from work. I'd have the whole house to myself; no having to put on a happy face, no facades needed. I was dying on the inside and tonight I would not have to pretend to be alright which was an exhausting thing to have to do.

Out the side door they went and as I listened to the car engine rev up and back out of the driveway - I knew that my dog Gumbo and I were finally alone. I took a shower, put on my "jammies" and settled into a night of mind numbing television. Just as Love Sidney's opening credits were rolling I heard key's in the side door. My spirit collapsed. My mind raced. No he couldn't be home yet! He was supposed to work late! Where can I hide?! But there was nowhere to hide. I sat there in the brown lazy boy chair with my back up against one arm and my legs draped over the other. I was frozen. My legs would not move. My head screamed "run!". But my body felt like cement. Gumbo loved my father and ran into the dining room where the side door was located to greet him. I sat there quietly staring at the t.v., my heart beating a thousand.

I heard him throw his key's on the table in the dining room. I heard Gumbo jumping on him, whining like a puppy. Gumbo was obsessed with my father. My dad walked into the living room where I was sitting, said hi and lay down on the brown couch opposite my brown chair. We watched Love Sidney. To my horror, the episode was about a teenage runaway who had escaped the clutches of her evil, child molesting step father! My heart beat faster and I squirmed in my seat.
"What if I did that to you? Would you tell your mom?"
I couldn't look at him. I was so scared. What was he talking about?! He had been doing things to me for a very long time now and yet he asked, "What if...?" I was confused, inwardly hysterical and on top of that, his voice sounded strange.
"Look at me Annika."
I slowly turned to look his way. His eye's looked strange too.
"Would you try to kill yourself if I molested you? Would you tell your mom?"
"I don't know." I murmured.
"Come here Annika."
I sat there staring at him for a minute, afraid to move.
"Annika." He hissed.
I got up and carefully walked toward him, counting my steps. One, two, three, four hey you demon-man I don't want this anymore. I stood over him as he lay looking up at me.
"Lay down on me." He commanded.
I obeyed holding my breath and closing my eye's in hopes that I would disappear. I opened my eye's and  felt his slow heartbeat on my back.

He moved from underneath me and kneeled at my side. He began to unbutton my top with a crazed look in his eye's. I held my breath thinking that maybe if I made myself very still he would forget I was there and leave me alone. But he was still there and was doing things to me as he always had. And just as his violation of me escalated, the door bell rang.