Hiding My Head In My Hands
Oops I did it again... I have a crush on another unavailable woman. And one more time I decided to tell her my "crushing" feelings instead of keeping it to myself. Does that make me brave or am I just running on self-will? Why not tell her so? Why should I have kept it to myself? These are the "crushing" questions I hope to answer. Am I a masochist or am I the reincarnation of an ancient amazon warrior?
I was riding home from my homegroup AA meeting with my sobriety sister and she made some pretty good points. I'm not sure if she was just stroking my ego, trying to make me feel better or if she truly believed the words oozing from her lips. But I have to give some backstory to make everything more clear. I sent this beautiful woman whom I'm acquainted with a facebook message. I know, a little cowardly aint it? Maybe I wasn't an amazon warrior... Anyway, I sent her this message declaring my crush, peppered with unfortunate statements alluding to my low self esteem. Definitely could've left that part out of my message; but I digress. To make a short story shorter, basically she hasn't responded. I feel completely embarrassed and mortified to say the least. Earlier I thought, if I see her, I'm running the other way with my tail between my legs! Well I did see her today, to my delight AND to my dread, and I kept my promise. I got the hell out of there!
I have to catch myself because when I'm in a situation like this, my head goes to some really dark places. I start picking a part myself to the nth degree. Maybe I'm too sweet. Not sweet enough. Too short. Too tall. Too awkward. Too goofy. Too fat. Damn I don't have a car, I'm not worthy of a girlfriend without a car! I need a car. Maybe if I was more successful. I'm an incest survivor; no one wants to be with an incest survivor! Who am I kidding? I have nothing to offer. I'm a loser. And so on and so on and so on... Yes, my head goes there. Then I say, fuck it, no wonder she didn't respond.
But then... Here I come to the rescue!!!!!!! (With the help of my sobriety sister and her gentle reminders.) My alter-ego; we'll call her "Zena", begins whispering some lovin' self talk. I'm sure she's a great person, but do you really want to be with someone that didn't respond to your sweet message? Or at the very least isn't flattered by your sweet message? You are sweet and kind and beautiful. You have a great sense of humor and you're a great listener. You are one of the most compassionate people I know! You live an accountable, sober life. You're lovable and adorable. You'll make a great wife and mother one day. You keep a clean, welcoming home. You'll have a car one day soon but you're good enough to be someone's girlfriend now. You're an incest survivor that's in therapy to heal old wounds and you're good enough to be someone's girlfriend now. You're good enough Erika.
So let this experience roll off like you've let all the other ones and get back on the bus; figuratively and literally! God's in charge and has a plan for me. In the meantime, I keep loving myself and loving myself and loving myself. And like my sponsor told me last week; "God is preparing someone really special for you." Because I'm special too. It can be hard getting out of that self-defeating self talk, but it's getting easier everyday. Maybe I was an ancient amazon warrior after all...
I was riding home from my homegroup AA meeting with my sobriety sister and she made some pretty good points. I'm not sure if she was just stroking my ego, trying to make me feel better or if she truly believed the words oozing from her lips. But I have to give some backstory to make everything more clear. I sent this beautiful woman whom I'm acquainted with a facebook message. I know, a little cowardly aint it? Maybe I wasn't an amazon warrior... Anyway, I sent her this message declaring my crush, peppered with unfortunate statements alluding to my low self esteem. Definitely could've left that part out of my message; but I digress. To make a short story shorter, basically she hasn't responded. I feel completely embarrassed and mortified to say the least. Earlier I thought, if I see her, I'm running the other way with my tail between my legs! Well I did see her today, to my delight AND to my dread, and I kept my promise. I got the hell out of there!
I have to catch myself because when I'm in a situation like this, my head goes to some really dark places. I start picking a part myself to the nth degree. Maybe I'm too sweet. Not sweet enough. Too short. Too tall. Too awkward. Too goofy. Too fat. Damn I don't have a car, I'm not worthy of a girlfriend without a car! I need a car. Maybe if I was more successful. I'm an incest survivor; no one wants to be with an incest survivor! Who am I kidding? I have nothing to offer. I'm a loser. And so on and so on and so on... Yes, my head goes there. Then I say, fuck it, no wonder she didn't respond.
But then... Here I come to the rescue!!!!!!! (With the help of my sobriety sister and her gentle reminders.) My alter-ego; we'll call her "Zena", begins whispering some lovin' self talk. I'm sure she's a great person, but do you really want to be with someone that didn't respond to your sweet message? Or at the very least isn't flattered by your sweet message? You are sweet and kind and beautiful. You have a great sense of humor and you're a great listener. You are one of the most compassionate people I know! You live an accountable, sober life. You're lovable and adorable. You'll make a great wife and mother one day. You keep a clean, welcoming home. You'll have a car one day soon but you're good enough to be someone's girlfriend now. You're an incest survivor that's in therapy to heal old wounds and you're good enough to be someone's girlfriend now. You're good enough Erika.
So let this experience roll off like you've let all the other ones and get back on the bus; figuratively and literally! God's in charge and has a plan for me. In the meantime, I keep loving myself and loving myself and loving myself. And like my sponsor told me last week; "God is preparing someone really special for you." Because I'm special too. It can be hard getting out of that self-defeating self talk, but it's getting easier everyday. Maybe I was an ancient amazon warrior after all...
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