Keep the Memory Green
There's an old saying that goes, "Don't forget where you came from or you will be doomed to repeat it." I have a healthy fear of repeating my past, so I try to always keep the memory green. Lush, fresh and in the forefront of my mind.
Coming out of childhood, into early adulthood, I knew nothing of setting boundaries or self restraint. Respecting my body was not something I was taught growing up. I was never told that my body was a temple. In fact, I learned just the opposite. Thus, for years, I went through life disrespecting myself and my body.
Until one day, God did for me what I could not do for myself. I broke up with Deborah in October of 1998 and little did I know, she would be the last woman I was with. Deborah cared very deeply for me and I for her. But no longer having that relationship to fall back on galvanized my need for healing; which according to God's will meant several years of celibacy and "singledom".
Sobriety soon followed and after years of debauchery, I was ready to do something different. I hope I never forget the emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness I was consumed with; the darkness that drenched my soul and made my eye's devoid of life. For years before sobriety, in the mist of sobriety and to this very day I have been riddled with shame. Having the feeling that I am inherently "wrong"; that there is something wrong with me. These day's, with the help of my sponsor, I fight this corroding thread of shame; and I am up for the challenge to change.
It's ironic and glorious how God takes tragedies or some darkness about one's life and turns it into something so beautiful that will in turn be of help to many others. I love that quality about God. And even though I keep the memory green, I also have the chance and grace of God to live in freedom.
Coming out of childhood, into early adulthood, I knew nothing of setting boundaries or self restraint. Respecting my body was not something I was taught growing up. I was never told that my body was a temple. In fact, I learned just the opposite. Thus, for years, I went through life disrespecting myself and my body.
Until one day, God did for me what I could not do for myself. I broke up with Deborah in October of 1998 and little did I know, she would be the last woman I was with. Deborah cared very deeply for me and I for her. But no longer having that relationship to fall back on galvanized my need for healing; which according to God's will meant several years of celibacy and "singledom".
Sobriety soon followed and after years of debauchery, I was ready to do something different. I hope I never forget the emptiness, loneliness and hopelessness I was consumed with; the darkness that drenched my soul and made my eye's devoid of life. For years before sobriety, in the mist of sobriety and to this very day I have been riddled with shame. Having the feeling that I am inherently "wrong"; that there is something wrong with me. These day's, with the help of my sponsor, I fight this corroding thread of shame; and I am up for the challenge to change.
It's ironic and glorious how God takes tragedies or some darkness about one's life and turns it into something so beautiful that will in turn be of help to many others. I love that quality about God. And even though I keep the memory green, I also have the chance and grace of God to live in freedom.
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