Let Go And Let God
I give up. I'm letting go and letting God. Finally. I have never felt so down on myself since meeting this woman. How on earth can I be so careless as to allow myself to be graded by another human being? How could I allow my worth to be predicated by someone other than God? She say's she doesn't want to be the only one in a relationship or "friendship" that has wisdom to impart; the only one who is doing the teaching or inspiring. The funny thing is, 99.9 % of the things that she feels she's teaching me, I already know. It's already a part of my makeup and belief system. I used to respond by saying, "Ok. Thank you..." But now I don't feel safe in not letting her know I already know. It's all my ego. Not wanting her to think that I don't have wisdom. I never in my life felt that I needed to prove to anyone that I have life experience. I just do. But I allow myself to feel so insecure in her company.
I love that she has wisdom and shares it with me. But I feel she doesn't hear or acknowledge my wisdom shared with her. Tonight I was sharing this deep stuff with her and she interrupted, "I said - I need to call my dad back." I felt bad and embarrassed because here she is, needing to call her dad back and I'm busy talking her ear off. But the tone in her voice was so exasperated and cold, as if I weren't telling her something from deep within me. Like she wasn't even listening to me. Like she could have cared less. She uses that tone with me a lot. She was so nice at the beginning when we first met. It's only been two months and already her attitude toward me stinks sometimes. But still, she has these moments when she can be so sweet toward me that I feel sucked in all over again. She also intimated that I should be further along in life than I am. And she doesn't want to kiss me anymore. I feel like such a loser...
I don't think she respects me or even likes me very much. I don't know why she even calls me. She say's we're not dating, we're not girlfriends, we're friends with benefits and the quicker you get that through your head all will be well. But I'm not sure how I feel about being friends with benefits... It lowers my self esteem; I feel like a whore. I let her touch me when she feels like it, because she doesn't always feel like it. The fact that she doesn't want to kiss me anymore hurts my feelings. But I'm always here waiting and ready when she does feel like it. How can I blame her for possibly not respecting me when I carry myself this way? I don't blame her, I blame myself. I've been alone for 13 years and she's the first person to touch me in a very, very long time. I'm desperate for attention, loving touch and affection. I feel like I'll take what I can get. Because I don't think I'll get any better than this. I know, I'm pathetic... Looking at myself from the inside out; it's really sad.
I'm willing to turn over every area of my life to God except this one. I'm afraid if I turn my loving heart and the desire to connect to another human being over to God, I may not get what I need, certainly not what I want. But I can no longer live that way. For my own well-being I must turn it over to God. I've exhausted all options. I don't know what to do at this point because my ideas aren't working out so well. I finally surrender. I let go and let God. I'm jumping off the side of the cliff knowing that God will be there to catch me. I don't know why she came into my life and you what, It's not my business to try and figure it out. I'm a better person for knowing her. I wish her nothing but the best and I'm sure she would wish me the same. She's not a bad person. In fact, she's an extraordinary person. It's just that I'm not what she's looking for and she's not what I'm looking for. We just don't fit. But I hope to be her friend. A real friend. One who lifts her up and never brings her down.
I love that she has wisdom and shares it with me. But I feel she doesn't hear or acknowledge my wisdom shared with her. Tonight I was sharing this deep stuff with her and she interrupted, "I said - I need to call my dad back." I felt bad and embarrassed because here she is, needing to call her dad back and I'm busy talking her ear off. But the tone in her voice was so exasperated and cold, as if I weren't telling her something from deep within me. Like she wasn't even listening to me. Like she could have cared less. She uses that tone with me a lot. She was so nice at the beginning when we first met. It's only been two months and already her attitude toward me stinks sometimes. But still, she has these moments when she can be so sweet toward me that I feel sucked in all over again. She also intimated that I should be further along in life than I am. And she doesn't want to kiss me anymore. I feel like such a loser...
I don't think she respects me or even likes me very much. I don't know why she even calls me. She say's we're not dating, we're not girlfriends, we're friends with benefits and the quicker you get that through your head all will be well. But I'm not sure how I feel about being friends with benefits... It lowers my self esteem; I feel like a whore. I let her touch me when she feels like it, because she doesn't always feel like it. The fact that she doesn't want to kiss me anymore hurts my feelings. But I'm always here waiting and ready when she does feel like it. How can I blame her for possibly not respecting me when I carry myself this way? I don't blame her, I blame myself. I've been alone for 13 years and she's the first person to touch me in a very, very long time. I'm desperate for attention, loving touch and affection. I feel like I'll take what I can get. Because I don't think I'll get any better than this. I know, I'm pathetic... Looking at myself from the inside out; it's really sad.
I'm willing to turn over every area of my life to God except this one. I'm afraid if I turn my loving heart and the desire to connect to another human being over to God, I may not get what I need, certainly not what I want. But I can no longer live that way. For my own well-being I must turn it over to God. I've exhausted all options. I don't know what to do at this point because my ideas aren't working out so well. I finally surrender. I let go and let God. I'm jumping off the side of the cliff knowing that God will be there to catch me. I don't know why she came into my life and you what, It's not my business to try and figure it out. I'm a better person for knowing her. I wish her nothing but the best and I'm sure she would wish me the same. She's not a bad person. In fact, she's an extraordinary person. It's just that I'm not what she's looking for and she's not what I'm looking for. We just don't fit. But I hope to be her friend. A real friend. One who lifts her up and never brings her down.
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