Star Like

Bad choices, fate, life in session, a series of unfortunate events or a miracle in progress... I believe it was everything - all at once, as I sat there in the hallway, legs bent underneath my body, packing my toiletries into a small box.

There were many boxes scattered throughout my two bedroom apartment in Mar Vista. Seven years of game nights, Christmas tree trimming parties, Oscar night gatherings with door prizes, tv watching, step six writing, sleeping, yearning, living... It was all coming to an end, abruptly. A chapter was closing. But I wasn't terrified then, on that day in april, as I packed my life away - sweat collecting on my bosom, beading on my brow. Shortly after, I lost my car and it felt as though I was losing it all. Losing my peace of mind, the feeling that I could be safe, that it was possible to feel safe; it all began to fade and unravel.

Couch committment after couch committment, I was faced with one of my biggest fears - bothering others because I had no choice but to bother. Being at the mercy of someone to give me shelter. The terror began to rise up inside of me. And then something happened...

One cold night in October in 2007 something happened. I had returned to Shanda's place, a woman I did not know. My day at work as the nanny was over with the family that only saw me laughing and cooking and pushing the swing for Danny and Auggie. They did not know I was in fact "homeless" and they did not sense my terror. It was dark when I arrived and Shanda had already begun her drinking and lipsynching routine. I was tired. I just wanted to sleep and live in my dreams for a few hours. But she wouldn't allow me to close my eyes and rest. She wanted me to be her audience as she grew drunker and drunker and belted out all the songs she had written. So I sat there, watching attentively, applauding; until finally she went to bed. I was so tired...

Alone in the livingroom, I felt a pull to go out to the balcony. I stepped outside and I remember it was bitterly cold that night. I looked out over the apartment building and something caught my eye - a light. It was so bright and big. I thought perhaps it was a helicopter. I squinted and whispered aloud, "What is that..?" It suddenly began to move in a hovering motion. It then moved in a clockwise, backward circle, coming back to and stopping in its original position. For a moment, it hovered once again before its travel in my direction. I placed my hand behind me on the door jam, ready to lift myself up to run inside. I was prepared to flee, but my body stood still. The light was the size of the McDonalds arches that stood guard outside and above the restaurants. It made no sound. Silence. Deafening and peaceful silence. My heart raced and pounded hard against my chest, as the light made its approach, stopping about 8 feet from where I was sitting. It was staring at me. I returned it's gaze and then without warning I exploded into sobs. Gutteral moans and tears that flowed from so deep inside of me. But I wasn't afraid. It wasn't fear that I was crying. It was only because I had been waiting for this moment ever since my 15th year. This light had come to me at my darkest hour to tell me without words, "I've been with you since before you were born."

The light was pure love, pure goodness, entirely positive, so serene and peaceful, yet powerful and steady. For 5 minutes or so we just looked at each other, connected; and then it backed away in the strangest way that I am unable to explain. It took the whole Universe with it - that's what it seemed like...

As I wiped away my tears, something, some force, pulled my gaze upward and I saw the stars above me gliding across the ebony sky. I was in awe. What was happening..? I can't share with you where the big star like light went to after it moved away from me, but I suspect it lives inside of me, where it always was in the first place.

When I think of that experience today it feels like a dream, unreal and unfathomable. But it wasn't a dream. It isn't a creative tale I've spun. It's what happened to me on a cold October night in 2007. It's simply....the truth.