Loud And Clear
I just watched a movie I've been wanting to see for a long time and I have to say that it changed my course. The movie is the hilarious, touching and life-affirming Bridesmaids. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had me watch it today of all days as a message to get my shit together and do it NOW. One of my favorite and most poignant lines in the movie goes a little something like this: "You are the problem and you are the solution." Touche.
I've been in a rut, not lately, but my whole adult life. Watching life pass me by, afraid to live. Don't get me wrong, I've done a lot of things and experienced much. Volunteering to drive a big fucking truck in the wild streets of London; up inclines no less, para-sailing in the seas of Turks and Caicos, moving to Los Angeles on a whim, starring in an indie film and acting on stage before hundreds, confronting a rapist gang member from chocking a girl to death and standing up for the lives of children. And I'm not discounting any of those achievements, but there has always been something missing.. I've struggled my whole life trying to learn to love myself. It has been no easy feat.
Since I was a little girl, I've always seen myself as less than, not good enough. And I'm not blind to fact that I was raped throughout my entire childhood and most of my teenage years, beaten and ridiculed. I was definitely not given the skills of self love. But that was 25 years ago and I'm still feeling less than and unlovable. I have such a hard time accepting love and kindness when it's starring me right in the face. It's as if I believe I'm undeserving of it. Intellectually, I know that it's a blatant slap in the face of God. I'm calling his divine creation "damaged goods". And it's not ok with me anymore. I'm pushing people that I really care a great deal for away; I don't want to do that anymore.
A new friend of mine who came into my life about six months ago tells it to me straight up and for the first time in my life, because I know I've heard it all before, I'm hearing it from her loud and clear, as if I've never heard it before.. But I hear HER. LOUD AND CLEAR.. I have to become the love of my life! I cannot wait for someone else to validate me! I have to validate myself. I never thought I was one of those people who needed someone in my life to make it all right because I've spent most of my adult alone. But if I'm honest with myself, I've spent a lot of that time yearning to be wanted. Daydreaming about my wedding and fantasizing about an amazing sex life because in reality I secretly felt like a freak for not liking sex at all..
I'm making some major changes in my life right this second. It's true I feel sort of like a newly blind person feeling their way throughout a world of darkness; feeling my way without the proper tools. Not having the directions to get on the road to self-love. Not having any of the answers so that I know exactly what to do next. I'm completely awkward but I'm willing. I'm willing to change my thinking and how I view myself. I'm genuinely willing to fight for myself. And I'm starting by not comparing my insides to other peoples outsides. I'm on a journey and I feel grateful for the opportunity. I am grateful to God for the chance. I want to change so I'm going to change.
I've been in a rut, not lately, but my whole adult life. Watching life pass me by, afraid to live. Don't get me wrong, I've done a lot of things and experienced much. Volunteering to drive a big fucking truck in the wild streets of London; up inclines no less, para-sailing in the seas of Turks and Caicos, moving to Los Angeles on a whim, starring in an indie film and acting on stage before hundreds, confronting a rapist gang member from chocking a girl to death and standing up for the lives of children. And I'm not discounting any of those achievements, but there has always been something missing.. I've struggled my whole life trying to learn to love myself. It has been no easy feat.
Since I was a little girl, I've always seen myself as less than, not good enough. And I'm not blind to fact that I was raped throughout my entire childhood and most of my teenage years, beaten and ridiculed. I was definitely not given the skills of self love. But that was 25 years ago and I'm still feeling less than and unlovable. I have such a hard time accepting love and kindness when it's starring me right in the face. It's as if I believe I'm undeserving of it. Intellectually, I know that it's a blatant slap in the face of God. I'm calling his divine creation "damaged goods". And it's not ok with me anymore. I'm pushing people that I really care a great deal for away; I don't want to do that anymore.
A new friend of mine who came into my life about six months ago tells it to me straight up and for the first time in my life, because I know I've heard it all before, I'm hearing it from her loud and clear, as if I've never heard it before.. But I hear HER. LOUD AND CLEAR.. I have to become the love of my life! I cannot wait for someone else to validate me! I have to validate myself. I never thought I was one of those people who needed someone in my life to make it all right because I've spent most of my adult alone. But if I'm honest with myself, I've spent a lot of that time yearning to be wanted. Daydreaming about my wedding and fantasizing about an amazing sex life because in reality I secretly felt like a freak for not liking sex at all..
I'm making some major changes in my life right this second. It's true I feel sort of like a newly blind person feeling their way throughout a world of darkness; feeling my way without the proper tools. Not having the directions to get on the road to self-love. Not having any of the answers so that I know exactly what to do next. I'm completely awkward but I'm willing. I'm willing to change my thinking and how I view myself. I'm genuinely willing to fight for myself. And I'm starting by not comparing my insides to other peoples outsides. I'm on a journey and I feel grateful for the opportunity. I am grateful to God for the chance. I want to change so I'm going to change.
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