More Will Be Revealed...

I have so much in my heart to write about lately. The woman that I've been seeing is way deep in the proverbial "closet". She doesn't want anyone, and I mean anyone, to know that she is dating a woman. She would prefer my not going to lesbian events. The last two relationships she had were with women and the results were disastrous and heartbreaking. She say's she's never had a bad relationship with a man. I don't feel so confident in our relationship because of these revelations. We had a talk this morning in my bed and she shared some pretty revealing things.

At times she can be distant and cold. I asked her why. She came clean after much prodding from myself and said that she's not sure of what she wants. That she's not sure she wants to date women anymore. That it's not about me, but completely about her. She shared that she's tired of hiding a part of her life and she doesn't want to have to do it any longer. She wants to live a life where she's free and open. She said she feels that we came into each others lives for a reason, so that my heart could open up to another human being. So that God could show me what was to come. Not necessarily with her but with another woman.

I was angry. I wondered how I could have allowed myself to fall so deeply for this woman. When she told me that she was bisexual I should have run right then and there. I promised myself for years that I would never date a bisexual woman again. And here I was again... She's the one that pursued me! Why did she have to come into my life?! I was fine being lonely and single. I was used to my loneliness. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I cried. I didn't want to show my heartbreak but I couldn't help it. The tears just came and I couldn't stop them. And then...

She made love to me. Why did she have to do that?! My first instinct was I need to protect myself. I need to pull away. But she made love to me... And pulled me right back in. I couldn't stop her.  I didn't want to. I so love her touch. I love when she looks at me with such intensity. I love when she says I'm so beautiful. I'm completely spun. I can't resist her for some reason. She has me under her spell. My head screams, "No!" But my heart say's, "Yes!" I think it's because I've been without touch for so many years.   I haven't been told by a special someone that I am beautiful in so long. It's been awhile since a woman has looked my way with desire in her eyes. And I love it. I love having those things in my life. It feels good. And that's why it was so hard to pull away when she began to make love to me. Because it feels so good...

The funny thing is I want only the best for her. If it means her being with a man then so be it. I just want her to be happy. I care about her that much. If her happiness means not being with me then so be it. I just want her to be happy and free and loved. I love cooking for her, giving her presents, making her happy, encouraging her, supporting her, being her cheerleader... That's what she deserves and if it's not with me, then I hope she finds a man that does all that for her. There's a saying that goes something like this, "If you love someone, set them free. If it's meant to be, they'll come back." If it's not meant to be, then be completely and overwhelmingly happy for them. I want her to be taken care of and loved. I sincerely and  genuinely want her to be happy no matter what.

But I'm a good woman and I told her so. She will never meet another woman as good as me. I'm sweet, kind, loving and compassionate. I'm ambitious, a survivor, a thriver, I'm creative and talented. I'm giving and generous without expecting anything in return. There are no expectations. I give because I care. And you know what? I deserve the same in return and if I can't have that, I'm not interested. Never sell yourself short. Dream big and reach for the stars. Know that you deserve unconditional love and support.  Give and you shall receive. I know I'll be ok. It just hurts now. The uncertainty is hard to contend with. Call me crazy but I'm not ready to give up on us. She's been hurt and she's really cautious. I respect that. I respect her. And I know she respects me or she wouldn't be as honest as she is with me. I appreciate her honesty and I appreciate her. So we shall see what the future holds. For now, I am going to stay in the moment and cherish them. More will be revealed...