I Said What I Said

I Said What I Said by Erika L. Ganier

You poor self-hating fool. When will those like you, learn that they hate Us. If given the  opportunity, they will use Us, steal from Us, trick Us, gaslight Us, rape Us, and murder Us. They change the rules to fix the game or outcome in their favor. These characteristics are their Modus Operandi. It is what they do, what they have always done. It is who they are.

Sadly, You hate Your [Powerful, Radiant] Blackness; and You wish so thoroughly, to be white and accepted by these, people. But, they will only tolerate You. However, only as long as You don’t question their racist, ignorant comments and biases, as long as you don’t share any feelings or opinions on race, racism, or any topic that is opposite theirs, as long as you do not open up about your own experiences and opinions on /with white supremacy, as long as you suppress your truth, your authentic self,  and at all costs put their feelings and comfort above your own mental health, laugh at their corny jokes, regard them as the leaders, be submissive in their presence, and never call them on their sinister, savage, pernicious shit. They will call you a nigger to your face—explicitly, as well as, implicitly (can you say, dog whistle?), slap you on the back, guffawing, and keep you around as their minstrel punching bag. 

They are the basest of humxns, those hateful wicked white demons, those willfully ignorant ones, who lie and make up stories to themselves, where they get to plead innocence (“I didn’t know!”) or be the white-savior heroes; those liberal and “progressive” whites who stake “Black Lives Matter” signs in their mostly white neighborhoods to secretly be ready when the Blacks start a violent civil war that they will be the ones to actually ignite, as always (“See?! We like the Blacks! Don’t touch our Beautiful, privileged homes that’s been in our family for three/four/six generations!”) (and these people have their kids in predominantly white schools and have no genuine Black friends); and please, do not expect these people to say hello in return from their privileged lawns and lives—with their mostly white and model minority, non-Black friends (who are just so incredibly grateful to not be on the bottom of the never mentioned, racial Hierarchy); white people who become tongue-tied, flummoxed, afraid, suspicious of, and eye-averting whenever confronted with the presence or interaction with a Black Humxn Being.  

Says the hateful, wicked white demons: “Ah, I love that you have a sense of humor, boy/gal/non-binary person. You know we don’t mean no/ any harm. All those other niggers/ones who get so defensive and they don’t know how to keep/stay in their places no more/anymore. Well, fuck ‘em/screw them! We’re ‘bout/about to turn this country back around to what it should be; what it was. Make America (amerikkka) great again. Hell/fuck yeah! Hahahaha, they cackle. All socio-economic statuses represented! 

Have you not learned yet, King, that Black Folks have never lived or experienced this so-called, America? Do you not see by now that We are not afforded the benefit of the doubt, that there are two justices, two realities, on this soiled land? I wish you understood why We have always been so utterly hated, feared, abused, murdered, raped, kept from opportunities that created generational wealth (such as the free land and monies given to whites beginning in the mid-19th Century in order to move out West and cultivate Mexican and Indigenous lands; while inhumanly imprisoned Chinese girls and womxn were brutally and cruelly used as sexual slaves for Chinese men laying down west coast railroad tracks; and for white men—the ones being paid and given land to further build white populations and cultivate that land previously mentioned—looking to strike it rich in the gold rush; in addition to the GI Bill and home loans; as well as, why Black college graduates earning  substantially less than white non-high school graduates; or why the largest percentage of Black Americans do not own land or property to pass down to future generations? What about why freed enslaved Americans and their descendants never received reparations as the Japanese Americans that were forcefully interned (imprisoned) and Indigenous Americans that were murderously colonized by white americans did (let’s be honest here, the Indigenous have Never been properly treated, their reparations are an vile joke, nothing has been made right for these American Humxn Beings)? 

Ever think of why whites and non-Blacks appropriate Our culture, Our music, Our art, Our bodies and are celebrated for it, while We are demonized for what is naturally Ours and birthed from Us? It is because We are the Most Magnificent, Genius, Creative, Compassionate, Original, Beautiful Humxns on this Planet & beyond. Look what We have invented, achieved, created, innovated. 

Look how We love and heal—in spite of being given Nothing to get Us started, against all odds; and in the face of Enslavement, jimcrow, lynchings, being run out towns, Our communities destroyed or taken from Us (places like Central Park in New York City, the Venice and Bruce Beach communities in Southern California, and so many others); or why the new Latino/LatinX Red Table Talk feels as though they must begin their [important/needed show] journey by diminishing the original and fundamental Red  Table Talk, hosted by Black Womxn? All of that and yet, still, We Rise. 

Most cannot figure Us Out. They feel less than and they are not—We are all connected and children of God/Creator/Great Spirit/Spirit/Universe/Love. Their fear, selfishness, envy, and jealousy has them  always seeking to be the richest, the most powerful, the most feared peoples on the planet; number one, most privileged, that they continue their colonizations, oppressions, gentrification, cultural appropriations, and psychological, physical, and psychic violence. They, not most of Us, are the ones who are manifesting poverty, lack, inequality, inequity, wars, rage, authoritarianism, fascism, the Hell of patriarchy, misogyny, capitalism, xenophobia, racism, and white supremacy. 

We are the Most Magnificent, not because We are better than others. We are the most Magnificent, because We are told, at every turn that We are told that We are ugly (including those of Us who were/are not able to learn self love; which is a tall feat in the face of torrential white supremacy and systemic racism; I get that, but it still breaks my heart), that We are less than everybody else and treated as though We do not belong anywhere, that Our existence is a bummer; that We are trash—even while whites and non-Blacks are raping Our very DNA and repurposing it to win; all the while We still love, laugh, are kind, of service, and are giving to those very people the benefit of the doubt. Most of Us have yet to turn into the darkness of their hate and fear and cruelty and policies that seek to throw Us under the bus—again and again and again and again. And, still, We Rise.  That is why, We are the Most Majestic. 

Sometimes it feels as though European lineage, is somehow cursed or connected to some demonic entity from millenniums long ago because they have been this way since before Christ, before the Romans, before the Kelts. They hate Us and have and continue to use all of their gifts and energies and time in this precious life to destroy Us—whether through their actions or silence and apathy. But they cannot and will not ever succeed in these unholy endeavors—they sense this fact, and it enrages them. They feel so little, weak, pathetic, and basic in comparison to Us, and, they are, because they choose to be. 

However, all We have ever wanted was to just live, love, be treated fairly, and not regarded with fear and suspicion just because We are of African descent; because of Our Gorgeous Blackness and original innovations; because We are running or walking or shopping or laughing on a wine country tour or crying or driving cross country or playing videos games in Our livingroom with Our nephew or eating ice cream on Our sofa, for surviving, thriving, for the fact that We keep Rising and Elevating, leading this country in activism, toward justice and true democracy. Damn, let’s be real here,  We are despised for breathing and being alive.