I Had a Moment

Unusually—certainly before I started UCLA—I submitted more blog entries, but since I finished summer school, I have been, I think, burnt out. I did not enjoy my time at UCLA. I could not keep up. I felt ill and battled intense fatigue the entire time. In the last two months a growth began to spread across my face and red and purple blotches and lumps, too. My lymph nodes are all swollen and I’m working 7 days a week walking and hiking dogs to keep up financially. Last week a biopsy was taken from the growth and 10 vials of blood drained from me. I am still battling intense fatigue and now dizzy spells. I had given up on myself last week as I drove through the Hollywood Hills with a car full of dogs. I screamed to God, “Kill me! I can’t take this anymore.” Immediately after that, three baby deer ran in front of my car and I had to brake short. My tears instantly dried. I was astounded. God managed to give me hope in an instant.

Prior to that I had given up all hope of taking care of my loose UCLA ends and applying for the Assistant Director’s program through the DGA. But after that moment on that canyon road, I gathered all the perseverance that had gotten me from a lonely sexually abused child, attempted suicides, and cancer, to UCLA. Why would I give up now? I am not known for giving up. But I had a moment and that’s okay. I’m certainly human—though sometimes I do feel as though I am not made for this world. I do not know what the future holds, what the results will be, or whether I will get into the Assistant Director’s program or not, but I am certainly going to try. More will be revealed.