The Birthday Girl

This year, for my birthday, I wanted to make a concerted effort to give myself a beautifully blessed day doing things that make me happy, with friends that I feel safe with and whom accept me as I am.

When planning something special for myself I always take the guests into consideration, for example, will parking be easy for them. Considerstion, pe se, is not a bad thing at all. But in doing so I wind up forgoing my own wants.

For years I didn't make any special plans for myself. The last couple of years I've done my best to change that theme. And I notice that it makes me very anxious. I worry. I mostly worry that no one will come. That I will be alone on my birthday. This reaction is new considering how many birthdays I have spent alone. Why am caring so much now?

I find myself comparing my life to other people's lives as I watch their birthday pictures on Facebook. I see how much thought their loves put into making their mate happy on their special day. So in response, I make these major plans for myself, like dinner at Nobu, horseback riding, kareoke at a quirky bar, plumeria's flown in from Hawaii... All things I love. But usually it doesn't work out as planned.

I know the answer to my problems. Sometimes I'm just a petulant child refusing to get into acceptance. The answer is gratitude. Gratitude for it all. Gratitude for all I have and for all that my loved ones have. Gratitude for exactly the way my special day unfolds. And stop myself from getting so caught up in being proactive about the plans I'm trying to make.

The birthday girl needs to take a breath and just see what happens. I know what I want to do. I want seafood and I want karaoke and plumeria's . And I'm sure I'm quite capable of making that a reality on my special day.