Yesterday

Yesterday

I reached the end of a corridor.
I came to a door at the end of a hall
And I watched as my hand reached forward
Not fully aware of what I was doing - that I was no longer, still.

Yesterday

I touched the brass knob,
That cold metal somehow reminding me that I was alive.

My eyes were fixed on something new
And I watched my hand out, turning the brass knob
Slowly
As if outside of myself
I watched this scene
Unfold
Slowly.
Not quite sure of what was happening
No clear idea of what I would find
On the other side.

I found that my
Other hand
Had been
Seemingly
Mindlessly
Digging into my chest, trying (desperately)
To reach inside of my heart.
Not looking
But feeling.

Sticky blood covering my fingers
Running down my arm
Dripping from my elbow.

My heart was quiet
My breath silent
I discovered something sharp stuck inside my heart
It pricked my thumb.

My eyes remained fixed on that brass knob
Observing without one blink, its slow release.

I feverishly continued working out that 'Something Sharp' that had been buried deep into the center of me. 

I would not look down at the hole I'd dug in my chest,
But, finally, I fully felt it all

I grasped hold of the spear stuck inside me
To wiggle it free.

I pulled at it
It loosened
I pulled at it..

In these moments
The door where my gaze had been focused,
Opened.
I saw light pouring out from all the cracks
Didn't see my heart because I would not look down
I dared not look down at my center,
My core.
But I felt it.

And I knew I needed to look away
Nonetheless, for just a single moment
I wanted to see...

Moved my eyes from the door and all this light that was spilling from the other side, to the hole I'd made in my chest.

My heart had been living there in silence.

I pulled out what had been blocking its breath.

Blinking
Squinting

Held between my fingers
Covered in my blood--my blood that was turning from red to black before my very eyes.

Blinking
Squinting

Trying to focus

As I brought it up close
To my vision
That which had been stuck inside my heart
Standing between my life and death.

It was a coarse shard of fear.

My breath sucked in
And suddenly
The Light
Blinded me
It was so bright...

The shard of fear fell from my hand
And I listened as it shattered.

I heard a beat.
My first beat.
Coming from inside me.
It sounded like music.
There was music spilling from inside me..

I felt my legs move.
I walked through the opened door
Blood dripping in my trail
Blinded by The Light
- that somehow felt like an old friend.
My oldest and dearest friend.
I was being drawn by The Light
I was willingly being pulled in 

And out.

And I knew not where I was going
Or what I would find..
I could not see anything
But The Light.
Not even my heart.
But I felt it.
I could feel it all.

That was yesterday.