I Have A Mechanism Within Me

I spent years hating men. The men who lusted for girls and women only.

This story began at the age of twelve when finally I felt the suffering of my body and spirit. The age I realized that I was alone in this. That there was no one coming to help me or let alone save me.

Over the last 8 years or so I made a conscious decision to soften myself of this hatred, and open my heart. I had moments in the company of men where I didn't feel scared or distrustful. I recognized those moments...I felt grateful for them.

Last night I was disrespectfully come on to by a married man and accosted by two other men, one being my "friend". I thought he was my friend... And I'm so incredibly angry with myself for cowering instead of pushing back, flipping out, or cursing. I was afraid to.

I have a mechanism within me, learned during girlhood, where I turn off emotion, feelings, fear, panic, anger, analysis; I make myself numb. Thereby not causing a scene or falling apart. It's my way of protecting myself in places where I am alone and not safe; I am able to smile, have conversations, appear normal.

I place all those reactions to the incidents deeply within and feel later - when I'm alone and safe. Sometimes weeks, months and years later.

I am now feeling overwhelmed because I need to end a "friendship". I am now feeling heartbroken. I am now feeling sad because I can no longer go with him to visit his family whom I adore and have known for a very long time. I am now feeling that old hatred for men permeate every part of my being. They ruin everything.

I cannot trust men. I will not trust men ever again. They think because they want it, they can have it. They feel entitled to it. Just like the first man I ever trusted—my dad. They seem so nice at first...

That part of me that wanted to soften the hardness I held in my heart for men,  has returned. And I don't care what anyone thinks about it.