You Just Never Know

As of late the strangest musings have been crossing my mind. Things like growing old and companionship. Who will be by my side in old age? Who will take care of me? I've been alone all my adult life and I never imagined that that would be the case. I assumed that one day I'd meet my match. And I didn't think that that one day would be in my forties or fifties or sixties....

I had this idea of what my life would be like at a young age and it consisted of marriage and babies. Singledom, a cancer and a hysterectomy later - my idea, my dream, has been shattered. Or shifted...

I've kept my process since the diagnosis and surgery close to my hip; in my mind there just hasn't been a safe nor appropriate person to reach out to.
Ringring. Ringring.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's Erika. Howya doin?"
"I'm good. What's up?"
"Oh nothing... well actually... I'm feeling stuff.
"Like what kinda stuff?"
"I broke down yesterday because everything is gone, inside. And I feel this emptiness. And years ago I swear to you I saw the face of my babygirl. I saw her... And now it's too late. I'll never meet her. I feel like I'm grieving. And I keep forgetting that I have this blaring scar on me and I cringe when I happen upon it. My period will never come again. I don't know... I don't feel or think about these things all the time. They come in waves. They surprise me. Like my flashbacks.. I wonder sometimes if anyone will want me this way—the scar, the menapause."
"That's a lot... You'll get through this. Just be grateful for all that you do have. Don't complain. Be grateful."
"But I am grateful. I'm not complaining... You're right! I'll get through it. Let's change the subject. How's work? (sarcasm squared)” (Some people just do not know how to let people process and just be)

No, my life has not transpired the way I thought it would. But that doesn't mean I want to stop living or trying or believing that God has something beautiful, still, in store for me. And I certainly don't plan on stopping my amazing adventures - whether they be alone and with a partner. I am a good reason as to why The Four Agreements was written. And also, anything can happen....you just never know.