I Know This Much Is True

I didn't quit for anyone. The sentiment of "I'm not just doing this for me! I'm doin it for them kin and them kids,” was not a sentiment uttered from my lungs.. I didn't quit because my partner said to me, "I love you so much... The thought of you dying from lung cancer or heart disease breaks my heart. I love you no matter what. But I wish you would quit.." I didn't quit for the love of another precious human life. I didn't even quit for the love of my own precious human life. 

The reason I released my vice grip on the white stick is because the level of guilt and shame I felt every time I lit up was far too emotionally crippling for me to live with. And it was a hell I lived in all on my own. I knew that every single time I inhaled I was disappointing God. I also came to realize that it was a false fix. When I felt lonely, I lit up. When I felt powerless, I lit up. When I felt sad, I lit up. When I felt lost, I lit up. When I felt the guilt and shame over lighting up, I lit up. But it never worked for very long.

Something in my spirit was telling me that my quitting would bring about a change in me—and consequently my entire life—beyond what I could even fathom; and regardless of the lack of change in certain meaningful areas of my life, I genuinely know,  this much is true.