System, Nervous; Relax

 System, Nervous; Relax

By Erika Ganier

I had a daydream yesterday. In it, I was laid back in a pea green, straight out of the ‘70s, lounge chair. There was no pool, which is an interesting detail because where there are lounge chairs, there’s usually a pool. In fact, I couldn’t tell you where I exactly was; there was just me and a pea green lounge chair. I wasn’t even reading a book, or listening to a podcast, or talking to anybody. Just me and a chair. 

I appeared so entirely care-less. Closed eyes, cinder-blocked heavy torso, arms rested at either side, legs straight, with no thought of whether or not my knee ripples and cellulite were showing; my entire body was devoid of any sort of pose. I actually remember how relaxed my jaw felt! There was stillness, not just within my body, but within my Spirit; hovering just above me, too, enmeshed with my aura. In that daydream, I felt like how freedom would feel, if it were a body. 

And then, as if someone had just clapped one hard clap, right next to my ear, I suddenly remembered where I was, what I was supposed to be doing that I had dozed off into some other world, as some other version of myself. 

I was supposed to be finishing up a 4th draft of a script that was due to be turned into my agent in two days time. I was supposed to be multi-tasking: doing my laundry while I wrote; taking five minutes to write out a grocery list, and another 15 minutes to call my primary and reschedule an appointment I had waited four months to get because an unexpected work meeting just came up. I was supposed to be setting up this new productivity app that a  friend turned me onto; she said it really was great at keeping her on task. 

Lately, all I can think about is that I’m not having fun anymore. Everything is just work. My passions are work. Waking up is work. Bedtime is work. Meals are work. Reading is work. Even my lifelong dreams are draining me of joy. The other thing that keeps pummeling my psyche is how I just want to do nothing. No plans, no deadlines, no apps, no phone calls, no nothing. I want to rest. I want to sleep without counting checklists, jumping over fences.