I'm Not A Robot (Happy Valentine's Day)

I spent so many years with this deep yearning for a loving romantic relationship. I felt like something was missing. I felt like I was missing out on something completely awe-inspiringly wonderful. I felt alone. I felt lost. It was a piercing pain in my heart on a spiritual level. It literally felt like the pain of it was slowly and silently killing me. No amount of words turned into naked poems could save me. I was at a loss on what to do to heal my loneliness.

And then one day, a day and a time that I cannot pinpoint, I was free. Recently I tried to convey this freedom from "want." The want of romantic love. But I couldn't articulate it without it sounding like I'd given up on love. I've not given up on love. I love love. I love romance. It's just that it no longer hurts to not have it. It no longer hurts to see it in others. I no longer feel the anxiety of anticipating being single on my birthday or the holidays or Valentine's Day. Sure I sometimes wish there was someone to hold me close when I feel sad. I'm human. I'm not a robot. I do feel lonely at times, but I think it's the normal amount any one human may experience at times in life.

I'm just so busy being grateful to be alive and going to school and having a roof over my head and a sweet cat to care for and my other relationships and eating what I want or not eating when I don't want to and ripping off my clothes in the middle of Shades of Blue because I'm having a hotflash or just doing whatever it is I want to do. I'm so busy being grateful for LIFE!

I've lived my whole life single and when I'm not single, I want it to feel the way I want it to feel: complete and utter acceptance, passion, safe, fun, real, intimate, LOVE. I do want to share my life with someone special and I want  someone to think I'm special enough for them share their life with me. I'm open to love. But I'm willing to wait on divine time. I trust it.  #happyvalentinesday