Magnolia (Blindsided)

I just got out of my final Cinema class (the final is Monday). We finished watching Magnolia. I'd seen it a few times actually, but it's been years since I last saw it. I broke down crying. Contrary to--maybe--what people think, I don't spend much time ruminating on my past. But sometimes things come up. And I'm caught off guard. I react. I feel. I am affected. I see how fucked up my mind can be. I recognize that I ward off intimacy in my friendships and relationships with family and acquaintances, without the other person ever realizing it. I recognize that I live in fear of letting go and falling back. I don't ruminate on these things, but sometimes things come up. I'm blindsided. I never said it hurt my feelings. But it does. My feelings were hurt... deeply. I go on about my life; smiling, supporting, crying, laughing, zoning out, trying, just trying to live and be... and I'm not ruminating on the past. But again, sometimes things come up and half the time I feel broken and half the time I feel fine.